Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Breaking the Apathy Cycle

I feel pretty bad for not blogging. but like, I have nothing big to blog about. I don't do anything big. But then I remember that i've blogged about stuff other than my own life before so why is now different? I'm just really lazy, and still feeling reasonably apathetic about things but also excited for things. My birthday is coming up which is great. And I have money which is REALLY great. My job is slowly sucking my will to live but I get a bit of a break soon for Christmas and new years and then again at the end of January with Australia day and my Nimbin trip. I've decided that Februry 1, things are going to change. Both my summer roadtrips will be done, my Christmas Euro-trip will be just 9 months away, and I should have a few grand in the bank.

I have decided that I AM going to study next year. I can't really afford it but I can manage. I mean, the course I can pat for without to much trouble, it's just I can't imagine affording the course and then being able to afford Europe. But really, I can just get a new job. Or a second job. Or try and get more hours at this one (even though I mostly hate it I don't really want to leave? Go figure). Or get a small personal loan. Or borrow off my family. Or win the lotto (I seriously plan a great life around doing this but never buy a ticket because not winning would be so dissapointing when I've already got an imaginary... say.... 3 million and I've spent it on a fabulous waterfront place in Hunters Hill or somewhere equally amazing, furnished the place to perfection, my dream career (money can get pretty much everything), and any holidays I feel like at the drop of a hat).

There are so many things I can do! I mean let's face it, you don't actually need to have the money for something then and there to be "able to afford it". All I need is like $10,000 which when you think about it, really isn't that much. And it makes NO sense for me to put off studying for a year, keep doing what I'm doing which is getting me nowhere, creating this terrible apathy cycle in me and making me question if I'm EVER going to get "somewhere" with my life, just to make sure I can afford to go on this trip. I mean what would I do then? Have extra money for my trip, manage to spend all of it anyway and come back and find I'm back to square one- wanting to study but having no money for it. I have the money now (well like half of it, but I should have at least most of it by Feb and you can pay it off over 3 months). I want to do it now. And I should just do it.

I still would very much love to just win a chunk of money so I didn't have to worry so much about things. Like if I won $10,000 right now that would be my course and my trip paid for, and then any extra money I make in the next YEAR could go to things like a laptop, camera stuff, some other short courses for photography stuff, clothes etc. I even bought two scratchies today. Spent $9 and got back $7- but considering only 1/5 scratchies is a winner, I have some pretty good luck there. And really if I won $10,000 I'd be a bit dissapointed that I wouldn't be able to splurge on something useless right now because I need that money. And I'd feel guilty for keeping it all for myself. And like I didn't really deserve it.

So basically, I had a bit of an epiphany the other day and gave myself a mental kick up the arse.

You know what? You're fucking doing this. Stop making stupid excuses and just do it. There's no point saying 'Oh I'd love to do this course,'. Just fucking do it. Europe will still be there. And if you need more money, you'll fucking find a way. You only work 20 hours a week. There are a LOT more hours you could fill up. It is not hard. At all.
So I'm pretty excited for the next few months. I just hope I like the course because if it's a joke I'm screeeeeewed haha.

-m xx

p.s. still tumbling quite enthusiastically. I make up for not posting here with all the mini-posts I do on tumblr. And I have 27 followers now- I mean blogger never got me that. AND my friends actually use it, which is cool. J even got one! TUMMMBBBLLLLRRRR

1 comment:

  1. Damn, this post sounds like one I would be writing right now. Maybe I'll still write it. I wish I could win $10,000 to kill my debt and help me get through school.