The Perfect Cookie

I baked cookies today. I'm pretty proud of myself. Not for my baking efforts but because I actually managed to get the cookie dough on the tray and in the oven, instead of eating it all like I normally do. Admittedly I bought two packets and ate the other one raw along with about a third of this one, but still. I baked.

A lot of people out there don't know how to make the perfect cookie. And, as amazing as those home brand choc chip cookies are, there's nothing like the fresh-from-the-oven-gooey-melty-chocolaty-goodness that is a home baked cookie. So here are my tips:

1. Buy packet cookie dough. Sure you could make your own dough, but when it comes ready made in the refrigerated aisle at Woolworths for the low low price of $4, why make it yourself? If you're reading this thinking that you're a top shit cookie dough maker and you don't need Aunty Kath's Home bake chocolate chip cookie dough, I suggest you stop reading. This is not the recipe for you. Go buy a Donna Hay magazine or something. Wanker.

2. Read the instructions on the packet. This is extremely important, because otherwise, you wouldn't know how to turn this delicious log of mush into a delicious pile of cookies, see? If you followed my advice, and went for Aunty Kath's, you don't need the instructions- you have me!

3. Open the packet. i do this by cutting off the end with scissors.

4. Test the cookie dough. Do this by tearing off a chunk and putting it in your mouth. I recommend chewing, but that method isn't for everyone. You need to make sure the cookie dough is both scrumptious, adequately chocolaty and NOT POISONOUS. That last part is very important. If you require more chips in your dough, you can get real creative and add your own! I recommend Chocolate Melts. they're huge, sickeningly sweet and highly addictive, which is handy because they come in a bag of about 22,000. If your dough is poisonous, I recommend trying a different brand.

5. Pre-heat your oven to 180 degrees Celsius. If you use Fahrenheit, it's probably about 6,000,000,000. Give or take a few, my conversions aren't up to scratch. If you use a fan force oven you're pretty fucking special. The packet says 160 but I can't guarantee effective results because I haven't tested THAT method.

6. Grease a large, flat, cookie-appropriate baking tray. You may use the retro method of paper towel and butter like I did or you can use fancy schmancy canola oil SPRAY which I unfortunately threw out recently because it was starting to smell like butane. Baking paper is for douche bags.

7. Tear off small chunks and place them on the tray, with about 5cm space between them. Do not flatten the dough, it will spread and you'll regret it. Little balls of tasty perfection are what we aim for in the baking preparation process.

8. If you fill up the tray and have dough remaining you have two options:
a) Get another tray. Repeat until dough is used up.

b) Eat the dough. Come on. You know you want to.

9. Place the tray in the oven and double check your temperature is set correctly. I always do this because i don't actually look when I turn it on for pre-heating. I'm just that reckless.

10. If you like soft cookies, set the timer for 11 minutes. Yes. 11 minutes. If you don't have a timer, watch the clock like a fucking hawk. Seriously. There's nothing sadder than burnt cookies.

11. When the 11 minutes are up, open the oven and check your cookies. They will still be liquid, but if you gently stroke them (mm yeah like that) you will notice the surface has a slight crispness to it. More like the film that forms over soup when it cools down than anything else. The cookies are ready. Don't be fooled by their rawness- they will continue to cook when you take them out and harden as they cool. Don't second guess my advice and leave them in longer or you will end up with crunchy cookies. Or you may burn them. Nobody wants either of those things.

12. If you like crunchy cookies. Fuck off.

13. Seriously. What is wrong with you?

14. Check out that sexy photo of me eating a cookie. I took it myself. Skillsssss

15. Leave the cookies for a while so they can cool. After some time, they should become the perfect cookie- crispish on the outside, soft and doughy on the inside and mouth-wateringly yummeh.

16. Eat the cookies. It's best to take them off the tray first, but each to their own. If you followed these instructions TO THE LETTER and you're cookies are still crap, I take no responsibility. You just must be a shitty baker.

-m xx